Alright, I haven’t posted in a while and I have to admit
it has been intentional. I actually typed
this post a couple weeks ago, but I haven’t posted it out of fear. Why? Because it was a little too raw and very
personal. I have been struggling… a lot
over the past few weeks. I have had more
downs than ups and I just let it all out.
Today; however, was a good day so I am a little more confident in
posting. I have also added a couple of
things to the breastfeeding section so it’s a little more up to date. Here it is (it's really long):
Since Aria’s arrival, things were up and down for a
bit. Unfortunately, it’s still the
same. This specific post will be more
about the challenges I have been facing and not the usual happy-go-lucky posts
you are used to reading. But that’s
reality. We are facing many challenges
as new parents. No one said that it
would be a walk in the park. If you are
still willing to learn about the less glamorous parts of new-parenthood, be
prepared for a super long venting session.
To be honest, I have been debating on whether or not to even
write another post since I am not feeling much positivity right now. But then I realized two things: 1. when other
moms tell me about how they are having or have had similar struggles, it makes
me feel a little more at ease that I am not a complete failure. So I am going to throw my ugly truths out
there too, just in case it helps make at least one person feel normal. 2. People keep asking how I am doing and I
say “ok” because no one really wants to hear otherwise right? Well, the truth of it is I am not sure that I
am ok. I am struggling more than I
imagined I would and the obstacles just keep on coming.
Alright so let’s get this started. Breastfeeding! Ugh! Just the word makes me want to cry and
scream. It has not gotten any better
despite meeting with a lactation consultant. Allow me to tell you the journey
that I have been on since the beginning.
Aria was born with a tongue tie.
Yes… all you breastfeeding moms are gasping saying “that was the issue!”
but just wait. In the hospital, they did
a frenectomy (a fancy way for saying they clipped the under part of her tongue
to release the “tie”). So the LC
(lactation consultant) at the hospital told me this should solve any problems I
have and got absolutely no other instructions.
(ß That
part is super important). No other
instructions were given to me.
A couple of days after getting home, I was already enduring
a lot of pain with the feedings and I knew that if I was in pain, something
wasn’t right. I proactively wanted to see
the LC from the hospital again to assess the problem ASAP so both me and baby
weren’t creating bad habits. When I went
to the LC, she helped me latch her correctly, gave me a few pointers and sent
me on my way. The following week, I was
crying at feedings and my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I called the hospital LC again and schedule
another appointment. At this
appointment, she asked me “so have you been doing the tongue exercises with her
after the frenectomy was done?” Ummm…what?? Then she says “what did the ENT say when you
went in for the follow up?” Again…what?! What follow up? What exercises? Yup!
Remember the lack of instructions I got and didn’t know I needed? Those were it! I was supposed to follow up with an ENT and
also be doing tongue exercises with Aria.
Great! That was all supposed to
happen within the first 2 weeks of her life and she was already at 2.5
weeks.
So I called an ENT to set up an appointment. While waiting for the appointment, I switched
to pumping and bottle feeding with an occasional latch once a day. I also called another LC. She told me to wait to see ENT before her
coming out just in case Aria’s tongue wasn’t clipped far back enough or needed
to be re-done. WHAT!? She might have to
have that done again!? OH NO! I can’t handle that again. I cried like a baby the first time. With the anticipation of the procedure having
to be done again, I called my friend, Christen to accompany me to the
appointment. She is probably one of the
most level headed people I know and is also bold enough to knock some sense
into me if I were to get too hysterical.
The ENT we went to was AMAZING!!
He specializes in tongue ties and allergies and sees both adults and
children so if you are in my area and looking for someone, let me know. The BEST part about his office is he has an
LC there full time. YES!! The doctor took one finger and swiped it in
Aria’s mouth and without hesitating said they didn’t clip the tongue far back
enough and she also had a lip tie on her top lip. They would have the LC come in after
procedure was done (takes all of 2 mins) and have her feed immediately for
comfort/feeding. Once I heard the ties
were still bad, I for some stupid reason thought to myself “Thank
Goodness!! They are going to clip these
things and she will finally be able to latch on correctly and we can put all
these feeding issues to rest and live happily ever after!” I went home thinking this and mentally
preparing for the cluster feeding the LC told me would happen. She specifically said to breast feed and just
let her get on the breast as often as she wanted as she would be sore and it
would not only feed her but comfort her while healing. I was completely fine with that. I would do whatever it took to help my little
girl through a tough time. We would get
through it together.
Well… my happily ever after bubble was popped immediately at
the first feeding. She once again,
wasn’t latched correctly despite me following all advice and instruction given
at the appointment earlier. I broke her
latch and released WWIII. She started
screaming! I tried re-latching her and
she wouldn’t have it. Literally… I tried
and tried and tried and tried for 20 mins and she just screamed. Then she finally closed her mouth, sucked and
screamed. That happened for another 15 minutes. She no longer wanted my breast at all. I was crying hysterically by this point
shouting at poor Christian “She won’t take it!! I am trying to help her and she
won’t take it!! I don’t care if it hurts
anymore, she needs the actual breast for comfort!” She never did take it that night. We bottle fed and I cried all night long
feeling like the biggest failure in the world.
A couple of days passed with me trying to latch and she
still wouldn’t take it. I called the
doctor’s office and wanted to yell at them and say “IT’S YOUR FAULT!! YOU
RUINED IT ALL AND NOW SHE WON’T BREAST FEED AT ALL!!” but instead I kindly
asked for an appointment with their LC again.
Saw her a couple days later. She
gave me some meds that would help with Aria’s swelling and pain which magically
made her also want my breast again. The
LC was awesome and found other issues that were causing the bad latching. She latched like a dream while in the office
though and my hopes were coming back.
Until once again, I got home and everything was ruined. She took the breast again but the latch was
still wrong, still SO painful, still SO damaging.
THAT, my friends, was the ultimate breaking point for me. Up until this point, I was sad and cried most
of the days but this time…I cried, I screamed, I threw many things and
collapsed on the floor sobbing for a looooong time. Then got up, got in bed, and cried until I
fell asleep. Since then, I am just…sad. I don’t feel like me anymore. I am more angry, frustrated and unhappy than
I probably have ever been in my life.
And this is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. This wasn’t all just brought on by
breastfeeding, there are other things I will talk about, but that night and
that moment was a turning point for me and I just haven’t been able to quite get back
from that yet.
Since then I met with a the LC a couple more times. Things have gotten a smidge better. I guess anything is better when you were at
the very bottom though. With that said, it’s
still bad. The main progress is
sometimes I get lucky enough to get an ‘ok’ latch and I am more likely to break
a bad latch. I still can’t latch her
multiple times a day though. Maybe once
or twice if she cooperates. I have a
follow up in a couple weeks. If things don’t work out after
that, I am done. Throwing in the towel
and calling it quits. I know people tell
me I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but no matter what they say, I do. I had a goal and desire to do this. I have been giving it my all and still come
up short. People keep
telling me to go to support groups.
Look, unless they are going to latch my baby on for me every feeding, I
am NOT interested in that right now. I
am interested in someone fixing the problem.
I cry when I try to get her to latch and she doesn’t do it right, so why
does that sound like something fun to do in front of strangers? It
doesn’t. Sure, I can continue to pump
and feed but let’s jump into the next pleasant issue I am dealing with….COLIC!
UGH! Colic! As if the
feeding wasn’t an issue enough. I have a
baby who is unhappy ALL. THE. TIME! So
when I try pumping, try getting the milk for her next feeding, she is screaming
at me; and I want to scream with her.
Instead, I have to juggle holding a screaming child, while pumping and
enduring the nipple pain that I still have while a machine is yanking away at
it as if I were a cow. So there is the
answer to why I won’t pump and feed if I can’t latch her anymore: Colic.
Let’s talk about Colic for a minute. What is it?
Yeah…that seems to be the magical question that no one knows. Yeah.
There is literally a medical condition called colic and no one actually
knows what it is, what it is caused by and how to treat it. Seems like someone got a little lazy in the
medical area to me. How do you have a
condition but nothing else? And how are
there bottles (that I bought like an idiot) and products that “help reduce
colic” if no one knows what colic really is?
Everyone immediately treats colic as if it were gas. WRONG!
Colic is not gas. Gas is
gas. The only thing that doctors really
know is the constant crying, (and yes…it is CONSTANT), causes the baby to
become more gassy. So then the vicious
cycle begins. Your baby starts crying
because it’s colicky, the crying gives the baby gas, and the gas also causes
pain which makes the baby cry more, causing more gas. So all of the people that say to use gas
medicine are only helping for the inhaling of air during the crying part of it,
but do you know how get the crying to stop for the colic? I do! You
wait 4 months until it finally stops.
Essentially my child is possibly in pain or has some type of discomfort
and I can literally do nothing about it until it magically stops on its own. And in the meantime I have to somehow put up
with a baby who cries about 95% of the time she is awake. I am the lucky winner of a colicky baby. Yuck!
So the feeding and colic are bad but do you know what I feel
most bad about? After years of wanting a baby and praying and trying, I was
blessed with a beautiful little girl. I
should be so happy and take any pain, sleep deprivation, and tears with such
gratitude and all I do is cry and complain about it. I feel like an ungrateful brat! The pregnancy was great. Anytime I had pain or had to hang my head
over a toilet, I was happy with it. It
meant that I was pregnant and my baby was doing well. Why can’t I feel that way now? Why is it so hard for me to enjoy my little
girl? Is it the lack of sleep? Am I suffering from something bigger? Don’t get me wrong, I love her SO much. When she is sleeping, I take advantage of
those snuggles and love on her. The 5%
of the time she is awake and not crying, I am in full on new mom bliss. But when it comes time to feed, pump or have
her screaming for an hour straight without stopping, I want to run away and
never come back. That makes me feel like
the worst mom ever! The more research I
have done on these things, the more I realize that I am not alone in this struggle
though.
After all this negativity and all this ranting, you would
probably think “Geez! Does she even like
that baby?” Yes, I do. I love her! And you know what keeps me
going? A few things. When she snuggles into me and sleeps so deep
and so good while on me because she feels safe and warm and loved. I feel success because I am able to give that
safety to her. It’s a peaceful time that gives me a boost to make it through
the next feeding or next crying episode.
Lately, when I talk to her sometimes she smiles at me reminding me that
she does love me. It melts my heart and
I forgot everything I just complained about (for a while at least). When I see Axel and know that I did something
right and I made it through this phase before, it lets me know I can and will
do it again. It’s a struggle to have a
newborn around. I am facing trial after trial
and it will get better, and it will also get worse. Actually, it will probably get way worse
before it gets any better. But at the
end of the day, I believe I was given this little angel at this time for a
reason. I lean a lot on faith and prayer
to get me through it all and I know that I can get through it all. It is just so easy to forget all of that in
the moment and sometimes we just need a good venting session about our problems
and then we can finally let them go and start figuring out ways to get through
them.
Alright, now that I have let it all out, the posts going
forward should be much better. I will be
giving Aria updates on the next one as well as post pictures of the nursery
that I just realized I never actually got around to. I love you all and appreciate all those who
have helped me in some way over the past month.
And I definitely appreciate those who have checked in on me.
Update: Like I said, today
(Nov 12th) was a good day.
Chalk it up to the 5 hours of sleep I got last night thanks to my
amazing husband. She cried, she had poor
latches, but I didn’t cry once. I was
ready for it and I embraced it! I actually
laughed a lot of the time. While she
cried and I rocked her, instead of focusing on the screams, I focused on the
funny faces she makes while crying. When
she fell asleep on me, despite the fact that it was 2pm and I hadn’t eaten,
that my bladder was about to explode and I couldn’t feel my left arm, I
listened to her cute sighs and breaths and loved those sleepy smiles. While she was awake, I made it my mission to
try to get her to smile for me again. I
didn’t get one until the very end of the day but it was awesome! And I will make that a goal every day. Despite my comment in my rant about me being
a lucky winner of a colicky baby, I actually am lucky. I have a healthy,
beautiful, perfect little girl that happens to be struggling with coming into
this world. It was a shock to her to be
taken out of her happy place inside me.
She too is having trials already and when I think about it that way, I
feel empowered. This is my job, this is
my duty as a mom to help her through this… and I will.
