The Ugly Truth

Alright, I haven’t posted in a while and I have to admit it has been intentional.  I actually typed this post a couple weeks ago, but I haven’t posted it out of fear. Why?  Because it was a little too raw and very personal.  I have been struggling… a lot over the past few weeks.  I have had more downs than ups and I just let it all out.  Today; however, was a good day so I am a little more confident in posting.  I have also added a couple of things to the breastfeeding section so it’s a little more up to date.  Here it is (it's really long):

Since Aria’s arrival, things were up and down for a bit.  Unfortunately, it’s still the same.  This specific post will be more about the challenges I have been facing and not the usual happy-go-lucky posts you are used to reading.  But that’s reality.  We are facing many challenges as new parents.  No one said that it would be a walk in the park.  If you are still willing to learn about the less glamorous parts of new-parenthood, be prepared for a super long venting session.

To be honest, I have been debating on whether or not to even write another post since I am not feeling much positivity right now.  But then I realized two things: 1. when other moms tell me about how they are having or have had similar struggles, it makes me feel a little more at ease that I am not a complete failure.  So I am going to throw my ugly truths out there too, just in case it helps make at least one person feel normal.  2. People keep asking how I am doing and I say “ok” because no one really wants to hear otherwise right?  Well, the truth of it is I am not sure that I am ok.  I am struggling more than I imagined I would and the obstacles just keep on coming.

Alright so let’s get this started.  Breastfeeding!  Ugh! Just the word makes me want to cry and scream.  It has not gotten any better despite meeting with a lactation consultant. Allow me to tell you the journey that I have been on since the beginning.  Aria was born with a tongue tie.  Yes… all you breastfeeding moms are gasping saying “that was the issue!” but just wait.  In the hospital, they did a frenectomy (a fancy way for saying they clipped the under part of her tongue to release the “tie”).  So the LC (lactation consultant) at the hospital told me this should solve any problems I have and got absolutely no other instructions.  (ß That part is super important).  No other instructions were given to me. 

A couple of days after getting home, I was already enduring a lot of pain with the feedings and I knew that if I was in pain, something wasn’t right.  I proactively wanted to see the LC from the hospital again to assess the problem ASAP so both me and baby weren’t creating bad habits.  When I went to the LC, she helped me latch her correctly, gave me a few pointers and sent me on my way.  The following week, I was crying at feedings and my nipples were cracked and bleeding.  I called the hospital LC again and schedule another appointment.  At this appointment, she asked me “so have you been doing the tongue exercises with her after the frenectomy was done?”  Ummm…what??  Then she says “what did the ENT say when you went in for the follow up?”  Again…what?!  What follow up?  What exercises?  Yup!  Remember the lack of instructions I got and didn’t know I needed?  Those were it!  I was supposed to follow up with an ENT and also be doing tongue exercises with Aria.  Great!  That was all supposed to happen within the first 2 weeks of her life and she was already at 2.5 weeks. 

So I called an ENT to set up an appointment.  While waiting for the appointment, I switched to pumping and bottle feeding with an occasional latch once a day.  I also called another LC.  She told me to wait to see ENT before her coming out just in case Aria’s tongue wasn’t clipped far back enough or needed to be re-done.   WHAT!? She might have to have that done again!?  OH NO!  I can’t handle that again.  I cried like a baby the first time.  With the anticipation of the procedure having to be done again, I called my friend, Christen to accompany me to the appointment.  She is probably one of the most level headed people I know and is also bold enough to knock some sense into me if I were to get too hysterical.  The ENT we went to was AMAZING!!  He specializes in tongue ties and allergies and sees both adults and children so if you are in my area and looking for someone, let me know.  The BEST part about his office is he has an LC there full time.  YES!!  The doctor took one finger and swiped it in Aria’s mouth and without hesitating said they didn’t clip the tongue far back enough and she also had a lip tie on her top lip.  They would have the LC come in after procedure was done (takes all of 2 mins) and have her feed immediately for comfort/feeding.  Once I heard the ties were still bad, I for some stupid reason thought to myself “Thank Goodness!!  They are going to clip these things and she will finally be able to latch on correctly and we can put all these feeding issues to rest and live happily ever after!”  I went home thinking this and mentally preparing for the cluster feeding the LC told me would happen.  She specifically said to breast feed and just let her get on the breast as often as she wanted as she would be sore and it would not only feed her but comfort her while healing.  I was completely fine with that.  I would do whatever it took to help my little girl through a tough time.  We would get through it together. 

Well… my happily ever after bubble was popped immediately at the first feeding.  She once again, wasn’t latched correctly despite me following all advice and instruction given at the appointment earlier.  I broke her latch and released WWIII.  She started screaming!  I tried re-latching her and she wouldn’t have it.  Literally… I tried and tried and tried and tried for 20 mins and she just screamed.  Then she finally closed her mouth, sucked and screamed.  That happened for another 15 minutes.  She no longer wanted my breast at all.  I was crying hysterically by this point shouting at poor Christian “She won’t take it!! I am trying to help her and she won’t take it!!  I don’t care if it hurts anymore, she needs the actual breast for comfort!”  She never did take it that night.  We bottle fed and I cried all night long feeling like the biggest failure in the world. 

A couple of days passed with me trying to latch and she still wouldn’t take it.  I called the doctor’s office and wanted to yell at them and say “IT’S YOUR FAULT!! YOU RUINED IT ALL AND NOW SHE WON’T BREAST FEED AT ALL!!” but instead I kindly asked for an appointment with their LC again.  Saw her a couple days later.  She gave me some meds that would help with Aria’s swelling and pain which magically made her also want my breast again.  The LC was awesome and found other issues that were causing the bad latching.  She latched like a dream while in the office though and my hopes were coming back.  Until once again, I got home and everything was ruined.  She took the breast again but the latch was still wrong, still SO painful, still SO damaging. 

THAT, my friends, was the ultimate breaking point for me.  Up until this point, I was sad and cried most of the days but this time…I cried, I screamed, I threw many things and collapsed on the floor sobbing for a looooong time.  Then got up, got in bed, and cried until I fell asleep.  Since then, I am just…sad.  I don’t feel like me anymore.  I am more angry, frustrated and unhappy than I probably have ever been in my life.  And this is supposed to be the happiest time in my life.  This wasn’t all just brought on by breastfeeding, there are other things I will talk about, but that night and that moment was a turning point for me and I just haven’t been able to quite get back from that yet. 

Since then I met with a the LC a couple more times. Things have gotten a smidge better.  I guess anything is better when you were at the very bottom though.  With that said, it’s still bad.  The main progress is sometimes I get lucky enough to get an ‘ok’ latch and I am more likely to break a bad latch.  I still can’t latch her multiple times a day though.  Maybe once or twice if she cooperates.  I have a follow up in a couple weeks. If things don’t work out after that, I am done.  Throwing in the towel and calling it quits.  I know people tell me I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but no matter what they say, I do.  I had a goal and desire to do this.  I have been giving it my all and still come up short. People keep telling me to go to support groups.  Look, unless they are going to latch my baby on for me every feeding, I am NOT interested in that right now.  I am interested in someone fixing the problem.  I cry when I try to get her to latch and she doesn’t do it right, so why does that sound like something fun to do in front of strangers? It doesn’t.  Sure, I can continue to pump and feed but let’s jump into the next pleasant issue I am dealing with….COLIC!

UGH! Colic!  As if the feeding wasn’t an issue enough.  I have a baby who is unhappy ALL. THE. TIME!  So when I try pumping, try getting the milk for her next feeding, she is screaming at me; and I want to scream with her.  Instead, I have to juggle holding a screaming child, while pumping and enduring the nipple pain that I still have while a machine is yanking away at it as if I were a cow.  So there is the answer to why I won’t pump and feed if I can’t latch her anymore: Colic.

Let’s talk about Colic for a minute.  What is it?  Yeah…that seems to be the magical question that no one knows.  Yeah.  There is literally a medical condition called colic and no one actually knows what it is, what it is caused by and how to treat it.  Seems like someone got a little lazy in the medical area to me.  How do you have a condition but nothing else?  And how are there bottles (that I bought like an idiot) and products that “help reduce colic” if no one knows what colic really is?  Everyone immediately treats colic as if it were gas.  WRONG!  Colic is not gas.  Gas is gas.  The only thing that doctors really know is the constant crying, (and yes…it is CONSTANT), causes the baby to become more gassy.  So then the vicious cycle begins.  Your baby starts crying because it’s colicky, the crying gives the baby gas, and the gas also causes pain which makes the baby cry more, causing more gas.  So all of the people that say to use gas medicine are only helping for the inhaling of air during the crying part of it, but do you know how get the crying to stop for the colic?  I do!  You wait 4 months until it finally stops.  Essentially my child is possibly in pain or has some type of discomfort and I can literally do nothing about it until it magically stops on its own.  And in the meantime I have to somehow put up with a baby who cries about 95% of the time she is awake.  I am the lucky winner of a colicky baby. Yuck!

So the feeding and colic are bad but do you know what I feel most bad about? After years of wanting a baby and praying and trying, I was blessed with a beautiful little girl.  I should be so happy and take any pain, sleep deprivation, and tears with such gratitude and all I do is cry and complain about it.  I feel like an ungrateful brat!  The pregnancy was great.  Anytime I had pain or had to hang my head over a toilet, I was happy with it.  It meant that I was pregnant and my baby was doing well.  Why can’t I feel that way now?  Why is it so hard for me to enjoy my little girl?  Is it the lack of sleep?  Am I suffering from something bigger?  Don’t get me wrong, I love her SO much.  When she is sleeping, I take advantage of those snuggles and love on her.  The 5% of the time she is awake and not crying, I am in full on new mom bliss.  But when it comes time to feed, pump or have her screaming for an hour straight without stopping, I want to run away and never come back.  That makes me feel like the worst mom ever!   The more research I have done on these things, the more I realize that I am not alone in this struggle though.

After all this negativity and all this ranting, you would probably think “Geez!  Does she even like that baby?”  Yes, I do.  I love her! And you know what keeps me going?  A few things.  When she snuggles into me and sleeps so deep and so good while on me because she feels safe and warm and loved.  I feel success because I am able to give that safety to her. It’s a peaceful time that gives me a boost to make it through the next feeding or next crying episode.  Lately, when I talk to her sometimes she smiles at me reminding me that she does love me.  It melts my heart and I forgot everything I just complained about (for a while at least).  When I see Axel and know that I did something right and I made it through this phase before, it lets me know I can and will do it again.  It’s a struggle to have a newborn around.  I am facing trial after trial and it will get better, and it will also get worse.  Actually, it will probably get way worse before it gets any better.  But at the end of the day, I believe I was given this little angel at this time for a reason.  I lean a lot on faith and prayer to get me through it all and I know that I can get through it all.  It is just so easy to forget all of that in the moment and sometimes we just need a good venting session about our problems and then we can finally let them go and start figuring out ways to get through them.

Alright, now that I have let it all out, the posts going forward should be much better.  I will be giving Aria updates on the next one as well as post pictures of the nursery that I just realized I never actually got around to.  I love you all and appreciate all those who have helped me in some way over the past month.  And I definitely appreciate those who have checked in on me. 

Update:  Like I said, today (Nov 12^th) was a good day.  Chalk it up to the 5 hours of sleep I got last night thanks to my amazing husband.  She cried, she had poor latches, but I didn’t cry once.  I was ready for it and I embraced it!  I actually laughed a lot of the time.  While she cried and I rocked her, instead of focusing on the screams, I focused on the funny faces she makes while crying.  When she fell asleep on me, despite the fact that it was 2pm and I hadn’t eaten, that my bladder was about to explode and I couldn’t feel my left arm, I listened to her cute sighs and breaths and loved those sleepy smiles.  While she was awake, I made it my mission to try to get her to smile for me again.  I didn’t get one until the very end of the day but it was awesome!  And I will make that a goal every day.  Despite my comment in my rant about me being a lucky winner of a colicky baby, I actually am lucky. I have a healthy, beautiful, perfect little girl that happens to be struggling with coming into this world.  It was a shock to her to be taken out of her happy place inside me.  She too is having trials already and when I think about it that way, I feel empowered.  This is my job, this is my duty as a mom to help her through this… and I will.

2 weeks old!

Our baby girl is 2 weeks old already.  Can’t believe it.  Seriously can time slow down a little?!


 

First, let me start with the ugly.  These last 2 weeks have been an up and down roller coaster ride emotionally for me.  Though I am beyond happy and so in love with my new bundle of joy, there are other things that are weighing down on me and contributing to the emotions.  For starters, the lack of sleep.  Everyone says “sleep when the baby sleeps” and that is definitely easier said than done.  I am on full new mom paranoia mode right now and it’s like I need to watch her constantly.  Even at night while she is sleeping, I will fall asleep and wake up every half hour or so to check to see if she is ok.  We even got a co-sleeper bassinet for our bed so she is literally right next to us (in a protected way) for us to look after.  It’s ridiculous.  I wish I could just let it go, but it’s not happening.  When I do get sleep it’s when Christian literally takes her somewhere in the house and demands I be in another room so I can’t worry about anything.  This of course can only happen on the weekends though.  He is back to work already and is also working on lots of school stuff.

The co-sleeper in our bed

The next big issue is and has been breastfeeding.  Oh man!  Remember when I said I was fully committing to this?  Well… I am and it’s coming with all sorts of challenges.  Aria doesn’t latch on correctly thus has destroyed my nipples.  (Sorry for the TMI here).  Feedings became a nightmare very quickly.  As soon as she would cry saying she was ready to eat, I would cringe and the tears would start rolling down because I knew how much pain I was about to be in.  Over the last few days, I have switched to pumping and bottle feeding until I can go see a lactation consultant and let some healing happen.  I will latch her for a few minutes after each feeding just so she doesn’t forget the little she knows about latching.  Well, I went to see the lactation consultant today and I am pretty much out of luck.  Got no real help other than to do tongue exercises on Aria.  So the end result is to endure the pain and nipple destruction and pump when I feel I need time to heal hoping that she doesn’t forget and leave the breast entirely.  I don’t mind the pumping but the down fall has been a decrease in milk supply.  As if I needed something else to make me all paranoid.  I have learned that essential oils fennel and basil can help boost supply and so I am banking on that to get me through this rough patch.  I am determined to get this latch correct though.  I am not ready to throw in the towel and do exclusive pumping only. 

Next thing bringing me down a bit is not having my mom here.  I don’t say that to make her feel bad or for anyone to think “poor me”.  It’s just been a struggle for me emotionally.  There is just something comforting about having your mom during these times.  I am not mad she isn’t here.  Like I said before, she just started a new job so she isn’t able to take the time off.  I know if she could be here, she would be.  Regardless, I feel like a big baby when I say “I want my mommy.”  Moms know just what to do and say and fix things so naturally I want that right now.  I survived day 1 of flying solo at home with the little one.  It was tough and many tears were shed, but I made it!  It should get easier when I have to do it more often.  I cry every time Christian has to go to work though.  See… emotions!  Lots of crying.  I am assuming this is “baby blues” and will go away in a few weeks when the hormones balance out.

So speaking of flying solo, I am officially starting that this week which is bringing me complete anxiety.  Yes, I survived one day of it, but now it’s for the rest of my time off.  Yikes!  I knew this day would come eventually but I wasn’t exactly prepared for it to happen so suddenly.  You see, my aunt came down to TX on October 9^th (the Friday after I delivered) and is staying until Saturday, the 24^th.  I was a little selfish and thought it was to help me the entire time, so I mentally prepared myself that I would have 2 weeks of help before having to learn to fly solo.  Classic Melissa… assuming. Haha!  I should have worked on my communication a bit better because she was only here to help for a few days and has already left.  Now let me not sound like a total brat.  The days that she was here were SO helpful and I am extremely appreciative of it.  I just wasn’t quite prepared for being alone so soon so I am having a hard time dealing with it.  Let’s blame this on the hormones somewhat.

Ok let’s talk about some good things. 

Because of the C-section, I have been a little more limited in what I can do around the house. I am getting SO much better at asking for help and allowing others to serve me.  I love doing service for others and I always feel so bad when people do things for me.  I feel like an inconvenience.  Usually when people ask if I need something, I say “No, I am ok” when really I am struggling and could use help.  Christian helped me with this by reminding me how good I feel when I help someone else out and that by not accepting help, I am not allowing others to feel that feeling when they serve me.  Hmm… that husband of mine had a good point didn’t he?  So these past 2 weeks, I have said yes to many meals, yes to rides for Axel and have even reached out to a couple of my friends for help.  Turns out, it’s not so hard to say yes after all. J 

Alright… Alright… I know you really want to read this blog post just to find out about the real star here… Miss Aria!

She is SUCH a good baby.  She does the usual baby things (eat, sleep and poop) like a rock star.  We were told that the first days after birth, babies lose up to 10% of their weight until mom’s milk supply comes in and they learn to eat.  That was very true for her.  At 4 days old she had dropped from 7lbs 7oz to just 6lbs 11oz.  New born clothing was baggy on her. I am happy to report that at her 2 week appointment she is back up to 7lbs 8oz.  Right on track with what the Drs said would happen.  This means despite her wrecking my nipples with her awful latches, she is getting enough milk.  Success!  Makes it almost worth all the pain. She has also grown ½ inch and is now measuring at 20 ¼ inches.  She was a little jaundice at her first Dr appointment but after a few pokes to check her blood levels, we are happy to report she is now perfectly fine. 

Last week, Aria had her first bath.  I was so scared to do this on my own so I had to get some help from Tami Oliver.  Oh, how grateful I am for her coming over!   I was scared to bathe Aria since she still has the cord attached and it can’t get wet.  It’s been 10 years since I have had to do this and I wasn’t brave enough to go first. Aria LOVED the bath.  She didn’t cry at all and slept for a looong time after.  It was great seeing that because now I know her bath time needs to be at night.

 Speaking of nights, she is on a reverse sleeping schedule (which I am sure all babies love doing to their new parents).  She sleeps all day long and around 1am, she decides it’s party time.  She is usually wide awake for a few hours after that.  This contributes to my lack of sleep.  Hopefully, I can get a little more disciplined about waking her up during the day.  If I can’t, I will NEED to learn to sleep when she sleeps so that I am not dying when she wakes up for a feeding.  The only way I can get her to go back to sleep immediately at that time, is for Christian to take her.  Oh man!  She LOVES LOVES LOVES snuggling with her daddy.  I called that long before she was born though.  Since he gives off so much body heat, she can’t help but relax, snuggle and fall into a deep sleep.  Christian has to get up so early for work though so I wake him up only when I really need the help and try not to bother him during night feedings.   

 

Right now, it’s hard to tell in pictures but Aria has slate colored eyes.  This of course is normal in newborns but I am anxious to see what color they will actually be.  I am thinking brown since my eyes are brown and Christian’s are blue.  Brown always will be dominant. Darn!  I am secretly wishing for something other than brown.  Her hair is also not as dark as it seems to be either.  In the sun, she has lighter brown hair color but because she has so much, it looks darker.  Again, this can all change within 6 months so I am curious to see what that will turn out to look like as well.  So far, it looks like she inherited most of her traits from Christian.  Even her big toe is exactly the same, but in a miniature version.

Trying to show the eyes off here....

Her next Dr appointment is at 2 months where she will get her shots. Unfortunately the Dr has recommended not taking her in super public places until then.  Looks like we will be little hermits for a while longer, but I am just going to enjoy it and soak up all this mommy/baby bonding I get.  I will continue to keep you posted on her growth and all the fun new things happening in our lives.  I am also going to limit how many pictures I am posting on Facebook.  I don’t want to be one of those moms that posts like a million times driving everyone mad.  If you would like me to blow up your texts or emails with pictures, let me know and I am happy to share those with you!

 

 

Labor Story

She’s here! She’s here!  We are SOOO happy!!  She is absolutely perfect and I can’t get enough of her.  Ok so this post is going to be on the longer side.  I am including the labor story as well as a brief little bit about her homecoming.  I will write more details about that in the next post though. Remember I write like I talk, so it’s probably going to be lots of babbling.  I will try and make it coherent enough.  (Also, it took me a week to finish writing this in between feedings and naps so I should start working on my new one now. haha) J

The Labor Story

On Monday, October 5^th, around 9:00pm, we tucked Axel into bed and I felt the need to re-cap to him what was going to happen if I went into labor in the middle of the night.  I explained what was in his bag, what he would need to grab and what he would need to do.  Then after tucking him in, I went into nervous panic mode.  I was shaking and talking to Christian and telling him… “This is so real!  She can be here any moment and I am terrified of the labor process and the changes.  We are going to be great parents, but I am still so nervous!”  Yes, that’s right… out of nowhere, I was on super charge nerves and was feeling every emotion possible.  Christian talked calmly to me and let me know that I got no sleep the night before and I was probably just so tired and just needed to rest.  I agreed and decided I would call it a night early.

At 9:37pm, I was reading in bed and felt a small gush of liquid come out of me!  It was small, but I had just peed so clearly it had to be something right??  Went to the restroom, confirmed it wasn’t urine and then called Christian to our room to let him know what was going on.  We decided since it was a small gush, it probably meant nothing but we would call his parents to give them a heads up and let them know I may go into labor that very night.  As soon as Christian got off the phone, a HUGE gush came out of me, soaking the towel I was laying on completely!  I ran to the bathroom with Christian and we both just stared at each other for about 5 seconds like “uhh… this is it!” and then both started laughing hysterically.   I wasn’t feeling any contractions or anything so we took our sweet time getting ready.  I took a shower, Christian showered, I packed up the last minute things needed like toothbrushes and phone chargers and then woke Axel up finally.  Throughout this ‘getting ready’ process more and more gushes of water would come and send me into a nervous giggle fit each time.  I remember my Dr telling me that I needed to go to hospital within a certain amount of time from my water breaking so at about 11:15, we headed to the hospital (which is about 35mins away) to meet Christian’s parents.   They were meeting us there so they could pick up Axel and keep him for us.  At this time, I still have no contractions whatsoever and I am just excited that we are finally going to meet our little princess!

11:50pm – We arrived at the hospital, passed Axel off and got up to the maternity ward.  I finally felt my first contraction by this point but it was subtle and manageable.  I left a lovely trail of water drops for anyone who may have needed to know exactly where I had gone in the hospital. I think I apologized to the nurses like 50 times.  Oh nurses… there were a lot that helped us and a handful that were awful.  Which brings me to nurse one… awful! As she was helping me sit onto the bed so she can check me another gush of water came out and she jumped back and said “oh thanks a lot, you got it on my shoes!”  I chuckled at first thinking it was a joke and then looked at her face and quickly realized it wasn’t. I apologized and got into bed to get examined by her.  Yeah… she got sweet revenge while doing that.  I believe she stuck her entire arm inside me and gave Aria a high five.  She actually told me that my cervix was really far back and it was making it hard for her to feel anything.  So she did it again… equally as painful.  Turns out… I was at 0/0 (0 centimeters and 0% effaced).  WHAT?! But my water broke!  I thought that meant I for sure had progress of some kind.  The only thing I could think of at that point was 1. Please get me away from Miss Sunshine here and 2. 0/0 means I would have a looong labor process in the hospital.  Ugh!  Anyway, they got me into my labor room and around 12:30am my contractions started on their own and were pretty unpleasant and regular right off the bat.  The contractions being unpleasant was to be expected.

My new nurse was introduced to us and she got to check me next.  She too said that she was having a difficult time because I had a “posterior cervix” that was hard to reach.  So it was concluded that all these exams were going to be SO painful.  She agreed that I was at 0/0 and let me know when I got to 3 is when I would be able have an epidural if needed.  She vanished at that point and only came in the room if a monitor needed to be adjusted.  Around 4am, my contractions were very strong and very close together.  Christian was the best labor coach for me.  He had me breathe with him, he rubbed my head, he held my hand and for a brief moment, I focused on him and saw the pain in his eyes.  He is a typical guy that wants to fix things.  I bring him a problem, he fixes it.  I get hurt, he fixes it and this one he couldn’t fix and it was hurting him.  I feel absolutely guilty looking back on this because at one point I remember telling him “please help me.  Make it stop.” And he could literally do nothing for me.  After the labor, I apologized for doing that to him at least 10 times.  I still feel so bad.  It wasn’t a fair thing for me to say, but at least I wasn’t doing it with malice.  I was having a moment of weakness. 

There was a machine that Christian sat by that showed him the severity of my contractions.  He was noticing that there was no more “down time” between them and I wasn’t able to get a release from the pain.  At 5:45, he took it upon himself to call the nurse and ask that she check me again to see if I could get the epidural.  She came, she checked.  That was the MOST PAINFUL moment ever!  Worse than the previous times and on top of that… a super big contraction hit.  That one literally made me cry.  The nurse couldn’t tell still just how far along I was so she guessed I was 3 cm dilated and ordered the epidural for me.  She mentioned once the epidural took effect, she could check again and be clearer on the progress.  Around 6am, the anesthesiologist, came in my room and if I wasn’t contracting so badly, I may have hugged him.  He did his thing and about 20 minutes later, I was finally able to relax.  Woo hoo!  This is where the fun really begins people!

So my nurse comes in and checks me again.  Says “Umm… I think you’re at a 3, but I don’t think I feel her head.  I am going to get another nurse in here to check just because I am not really sure what I am feeling.”  Umm… ok?  So nurse 2 comes in, does her exam and I am thankful I am numb during this entire process.  She too determines I am “probably about a 3, but that’s not the head.  There are little bumps.”  The 2 nurses stare at each other for a good 30 seconds with a deer in the headlights look and all I am thinking is…. Is it a baby!?  Is it an alien?  Why is there no head and what are the bumps?!  Nurse 2 recommends they call the OB on call to come and take a look.  At 6:30, in walks the on call Dr.  She checks me and says…get this… I am really at 7cm dilated.  So let’s side note this real quick:  from 12:30-6:00 I had gone from 0-7, my nurse never checked and thought I was at a 3?  At that moment, I realized, there are issues going on.  If nurses can’t get this right and they are feeling ‘bumps’, something is wrong.  Ok. Back to the Dr.  She too, says she doesn’t feel the baby’s head.  She isn’t sure what she feels so she gets an ultrasound machine.  Turns out, Aria is head down, but she was in a C shape, face down and hand above head (just like in all her ultrasound pictures).  They think the little bumps they were feeling were her hand. Once the on call Dr saw how Aria was positioned, she called my Dr to let him know.  At 6:50 she comes in my room and says my Dr will be there shortly and that I am to be prepped for a C-section.

At 7:05am my Dr arrived and let me know what was going to happen and spoke about the dangers of delivering a baby in Aria’s position.  Then he turned around and in a nice way demanded that the nurses get moving asap.  Yeah… he got them going. Lol Within just a few minutes, I was being wheeled back to the OR room.  Now I feel totally guilty admitting this but in the few minutes that I was being prepped, I dozed off.  That wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that I was not really wanting to wake up.  Here we are, my baby is minutes from arriving and all I am doing is sleeping.  I was SO tired.  Hadn’t slept all night long and barely slept the night before and for the first time I was relaxed. 

Side story to explain the next bit:  Christian watched a comedian tell a C-section joke one time.  It went something like this.  The comedian told a story about the time his wife had to have a C-section.  He thought at one point the Dr had told him to go over there and he ended up looking over the curtain.  He looked in horror as he saw his wife “disemboweled”.  As he returned to his wife’s head, in shock, he comforted her by saying how beautiful their child was.  Then, in a dramatic whisper, he told her “You’re going to die.”

Once the prepping was almost done, I opened up my eyes and looked up at Christian and whispered “you’re gonna die” in the same dramatic tone as the comedian and we both went into a fit of laughter.  The Dr and nurses were a bit confused by what was so funny, but I couldn’t help but break the nervousness somehow.

At 7:23am, I heard the most beautiful cry letting me know my baby girl was finally here.  That woke me up!  I was SO happy!!  Dr showed me the baby and… Holy cow!  It looked like someone punched her in the face!  One of her eyes was swollen completely shut and her eyelid was protruding from her face. I now know that because she was facing down her face was getting banged up as she was dropping lower and lower.  Makes me a little sad that we didn’t catch that sooner so she could have been taken out earlier and not have to go through all that.  Anyway, back to her arrival.  The nurses weighed and measured her at 7lbs 7oz and 19 3/4in.  Christian was able to run back and forth to me to give me updates.  Once he left with the baby and nurses, I took advantage of the time I was getting put back together to take another nap.  I don’t know if that was the best idea though because once I fell asleep, I was dozing off all day long uncontrollably.  Literally would fall asleep mid-sentence.  Happy to announce, I still haven’t recovered from that night’s lack of sleep.  Happy?  Yes, because that means I have a healthy baby at home with me that requires all my time and attention.

Recovery

I won’t bore you with all the details since this post is already long enough.  I will say that I never in my life thought what the recovery would be like for a C-section and I am sure if I did, I would have been way wrong anyway.  It’s the most pain I have ever experienced in my life.  Seriously!  I am not saying vaginal deliveries have it easier.  They have their own slew of messes to deal with… BUT something about having layers of my body (including nerve ending and muscles) cut through and sewn back together is a traumatizing experience for my body.  I knew that I would have a longer recovery time but this is nuts and now I know why!  Luckily, I know a few people that have had C-sections and have given me some really great advice on things to do and not do to help me recover as best and as fast as I can.

Going Home

We came home from the hospital on Thursday, October 8^th.  As much as I wanted to come home, I now want to go back.  It was great to have so many hands and experienced people surrounding me and now that I am home, it’s scary.  Really it’s been great… Hard, but great.  She is a good baby and like most newborns, sleeps a lot.  She just loves snuggling and sleeping in our arms.  Christian is like a space heater so that is right up her ally.  We have had her home for a week now and the sleep deprivation has become more challenging as the days go by.  I am hoping over the next few weeks we will establish a better routine to help us get through it.  We are absolutely in love with this little girl and she has us wrapped around her finger.  There is hardly a time when she is not in someone’s arms.  I know… I know… we are creating a monster and will have a difficult time later because of this.  We are just soaking up all of this time while she is so little and lets us love on her all day.  I am SO grateful for my church family here.  They have been just absolutely amazing!  We have been brought meals almost every night for the past week and I am constantly being checked on by someone.  I am getting ready to face being a new mom alone at home all day in the next week and although I am terrified, these wonderful friends of mine are close by and are willing and ready to jump in to help.  Aria’s 2 week appointment is also coming up so I will start getting my next post ready so I can give you more frequent updates.  (I also promise more pics on the next post too.)

Ready for Aria's arrival

It’s official! I am full term and can have this baby any time now and she will be just fine.  And guess what?!  I feel ready for her!!  Now when I say that, I don’t mean it in an ‘I just can’t take it anymore’ type of way.  I mean I am not thinking about a million things that have to be done before she comes.  I had an intense week of nesting and my house it ready for her arrival! Hooray!!  Her room is not completely done.  I have just a few more decorative pieces to put up, but really that isn’t a super big deal.   Everything is clean and ready, so if she comes a little early, I won’t be stressed.  If she decides to take her time, I will be totally ok with it too though.

At 38 weeks, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but that’s to be expected.  At this point she can measure anywhere from 18.9-20.9 inches and her weight can range from 6.2-9.2 pounds.  Her size is being compared to a pumpkin.  Yikes!  Actually, at my last appointment, my Dr said he expects her to be a bigger baby.  We have known this but hearing it scared me a little.  Because she is obviously at the bigger stage and we are close to the end, I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable now.  Pelvic pain has started and walking is not very fun because of it.  My feet have also started swelling a lot more.  Good thing fall in Houston is in the 90’s because I can still wear flip flops! And an added bonus is my job is understanding about me having to wear flip flops these last few weeks.  You heard that right… I am still working.  Some days I am grateful that I still can and other days I wish I didn’t have to make the effort to get ready to come in.  I think that’s a pre-pregnancy condition as well though. HA!  I am really lucky to work for a place that is flexible with me and is actually going to allow me to work from home starting Oct 5^th.  I want to try and work until I have the baby just so my leave can be spent entirely with Aria.  We’ll see how that actually plays out though.  You just never know how your body is going to feel and react at certain points.  In addition to the discomfort and feet swelling, I am back to being SUPER emotional.  I cry over everything these days.  It’s so weird.  Christian went away for business… cried.  Dr told me my baby was big… cried.  Dr didn’t check to see if I dilated… cried.  Axel didn’t clean his room and I had to remind him 5 times… cried.  A little ridiculous, I know.  Guess the hormones are going nuts again.

So last week, we had a full Saturday of FUN!  We took a breastfeeding class early in the morning that day.  It was so informative and I feel very prepared now.  I am full on committing to this!  And if it doesn’t work, I am full on committed to pumping!  For now anyway.  The pumping still needs a little more mental prep work.  That was hard last time!  Anyway, after the class, we hung out with my in-laws for a bit and then got ready for Axel’s birthday celebration.  Again, his real birthday is October 13^th, but we decided to celebrate it early so that he could have his own special day without the chance of Aria making an appearance and taking away his glory.  I am SO glad we decided to do that for him.  He had probably the BEST birthday he has ever had.  From the moment he woke up to the minute he fell asleep, he was smiling and laughing and getting showered with awesome gifts.  So have any of you seen the show American Ninja Warrior?  Well, if you haven’t, you should.  If you have, then you may have heard that some of the guys on the show have their own training gyms.  Well, there happens to be one really close to my house that has kid birthday parties.  We got 2 hours of full on obstacle fun and got to meet some of the guys from the show!  It was the coolest. party. EVER!!  All of the kids who went to Axel’s party had a blast.

 

Following such a busy weekend, my wonderful husband planned a few surprises for me. On Thursday, he set me up with a hair appointment.  I was able to get my hair thinned out and add a little boost of confidence for myself.  It was a much needed boost too.  I’ve been getting many comments on my growing belly and sadly some come off as a little bit rude.  For example, I was waiting at the elevator at work last week and a lady came around the corner.  She gasped when she saw my belly, stopped dead in her tracks then takes a step back and says “oh my goodness!  You must be really ready!”  Uhhh…. Really?! Did it scare you?  Ugh!  I mean I don’t mind the belly comments for the most part, but I don’t really understand how people don’t realize that they can be a little mean about it sometimes.  Anyway, after my haircut, Christian surprised me with a pre-natal massage on Friday night.  Oh man!  That 75 minute massage was UH-MAZING!  Next up, on Saturday, I got a pedicure!  My husband went all out!  He noticed I was getting more uncomfortable and wanted to do anything possible to help me out during my last couple weeks…. And he did!  He pulled out all the stops.  Between these things and my clean and ready home, I am all set.

Things coming up… the baby of course!  She can literally come at any moment.  J  I am very excited to share the birth story with you all and introduce this little girl to all our friends and family.

Work showers and getting hospital ready

Only 4 more weeks to go!!  Told you this was going by too fast.  As of right now, I still feel great and still love being pregnant.  My belly is getting big and it’s starting to be a pain to bend down to get things.  Every time I drop something, I stare at it for a long while debating if it’s worth picking up or not. Haha!  Shaving my legs is also quite the process these days.  It’s like doing acrobatics while huffing and puffing because I can’t breathe.  It’s pretty entertaining.

Since my last post, we have been thrown work showers!  First, I will start out with mine.  It was a total surprise to me.  Because it was a surprise, it was pretty funny.  One afternoon, I was making copies.  When I went to go turn those copies in to someone else, the office was empty.  Literally NO ONE was at their desk.  I started walking around the office wondering where the heck everyone took off too.  Did I miss a meeting?  It was a Friday… did they tell us we could leave early and I missed the email?  After a couple mins, I ran into my manager and I asked where everyone was… he said he didn’t know but needed me to look at something in the file room.  Right before getting to the file room, he opened a conference room door and SURPRISE!!  The entire office was in there and it was all decorated in pink.  J  It was so sweet!  We all got to eat delicious cookies and cake made by one of my co-workers and mingle for a while.  Then… we all got to go home early!  What a gift!  Woo hoo!!  2 of my co-workers made an adorable diaper cake FULL of amazing gifts for Aria from the office staff.  It was seriously so great.

Last Thursday, Christian’s job had their shower for us.   They (the learning and development team) invited me to join them and I was more than happy to.  Since, this was my first time at his job, I got there and immediately was given the tour of their office space.  They get an entire floor to themselves!  We ended up in a decorated conference room space and Christian’s team was waiting for us.  So, this group does training and development for a living.  Meaning… they facilitate meetings almost every day and know how to make one flow flawlessly from start to finish.  That being said, this shower was NO exception.  They catered in some food so we started by eating fajitas and playing a game of mad libs as sort of the “ice breaker”.   After eating, we broke off into teams for a Nursery Rhyme game.  Both Christian and I were made team captains.  We picked our teams and headed to the back of the room where we had flip charts waiting for us.  I had never played the game before and it was really fun.  We had to write the next line of a nursery rhyme that was read to us or shown to us on a projector screen.  A lot harder than you would think.  Following this game, we went right into another.  His team paired up into teams of 2 and only using one hand each, they had to put a cloth diaper onto a stuffed animal within a set time (Christian and I got to judge).  The timer was of course on a projector ready to go.  Once we finished that game, we enjoyed cupcakes and chocolates.  We talked and had lots of laughs.  We closed the shower by opening gifts.  This was seriously one of the cutest and most organized showers ever.  This group is a group of talented individuals that clearly love what they do and would never plan something halfway.  I absolutely loved it and appreciate the time and thought and planning they took to put into it.

 

As you can tell by the title of the post, we are also now “Hospital Ready”.  Because I am only a month away, it was time to get my hospital bag ready to go.  Pinterest has honestly been a big help for this.  I read tons of posts on what is important to take and what really isn’t necessary.  I am usually an over-packer so I am sure I still packed too much, but I really tried not to.  In my bag I have all of my needs as well as clothes, snacks and toiletries for Christian.  Can’t forget that dad is also gearing up for a hospital stay right?  I won’t be able to eat during labor, but that certainly doesn’t mean I expect him to suffer as well. Lol.  We got him plenty of things to snack on and even remembered change for vending machine drinks. J  Yeah… remember I told you I am a little organization freak?  It’s coming out during this process a lot. Haha!  I also have a mini bag ready to go for a work emergency.  I doubt I will need it, but it’s better to be safe.  That bag is more like copies of insurance info and a change of clothes in the event that the emergency is my water broke.  The only bag I now need to get ready is a little one for Axel.  That should be done within the next few days.

In addition to my hospital bags, I decided that I wanted to make thank you gifts for the nurse and hospital staff that will be helping us.  If you are familiar and have ever heard about “love languages”, you will understand when I say that my love language is ‘Acts of Service’.  I love serving others and showing others that I appreciate them.  I can’t tell you how much fun I have creating little crafty things for other people to let them know I was thinking of them.  I in no way am trying to show off or one up anyone by doing these type of things… I just truly enjoy it!  Axel has learned this from me and loves to help me with these little projects.  So, I went on Pinterest to look up ideas on hospital thank you gifts.  I found a blog a lady had posted that showed little bags full of treats and it even had a free printable label.  SOLD!  I give this brilliant lady 100% of the credit.  If you want a link to her blog post, I am happy to send it to you.  Anyway, I printed the labels, bought chap stick, candy, hand sanitizer, gum and pens to make the bags.  Axel jumped on board immediately to help and here are the finished products.  We can’t wait to hand these out to all the nurses that will be helping us at the hospital.

 

Starting this week, I go to the Dr weekly.  I can’t believe in just a month she is due to arrive.  I have people telling me that she will be early and some saying that she will be late.  I don’t know when she plans on making her arrival but I at least know I need her to bake a couple more weeks so I can finish up her room.  I FINALLY got the inspiration needed.  My mother-in-law, Patty, gave me brilliant advice last week.  She told me to just hang something up… anything and it might spark something to keep me going.  I did just that.  We put up a corner shelf and got some things on it and BAM… I was like… ‘ok, I just need to hang this over there, put this here, change this around and buy a few things.’  Just like that, my plan was put in place.  I should have her room ready to go soon.  I am going to go very simple but pretty.  Once I get that done, I will start to post pictures for you to see.  Until then, here is a little video of the little gymnast (I believe you have to be on a computer to view it.  Doesn't work on phone).  She moves a lot and it’s always so funny to see my belly moving on its own. 

It's the Final Countdown

Before you start reading the post, I have to ask... did the title make you sing the song?  If so, success!! It's stuck in my head too.  You're welcome.

6 more week to go!  Yep, that’s right.  This little princess is ready to make her debut pretty soon.  She is currently in the range to measure anywhere from 17.2-18.7 inches and weigh about 4.2-5.8 pounds.  Her bones are hardening, central nervous system is maturing and she is plumping up.  She is also listening to us and loves when her daddy sings to her.  I am still doing great and for the most part sleeping great! I did have a rough day last week where I truly ‘felt pregnant’.  I had massive back pain and could barely walk, my belly felt like it was going to pop from pressure, crazy heartburn and couldn’t get comfortable at all.  It was an off day for sure but the next morning, it was all gone and I was good to go again.  Guess my body just needed a night to catch up with Aria’s growing.  Speaking of… my belly has gotten pretty big now.  Some shirts are getting a little extra snug around the middle. J 

 

I am getting into the nesting phase right now.  My house is definitely in need of cleaning but I realized the other day that I wasn’t just picking up as I usually do.  I was going through drawers and re-arranging and being a little extreme.  Isn’t it so weird how our bodies know what to do and when to do it?  I mean even down to prepping our home is programmed into us.  Nuts!

As far as the nursery goes, I STILL haven’t gotten around to decorating.  I did put most of the bedding on her bed though.

We made our next big purchase too!  DIAPERS!  Can you believe we didn’t have any? Like at all?  So weird.  I decided to go with Pampers swaddlers.  I remember liking them a lot when I had Axel and so I went with that again.  Plus I happened to stumble upon some coupons for pampers so that definitely sealed the deal.  We got a couple boxes to start with and figured once we see how she grows and how big she is, we can add to the stash.  I know there are a lot of people that are partial to cloth diapers and I am not opposed to them at all, but I am just not educated enough on them to feel comfortable jumping into that right from the start.  I am thinking I may test it out a few times and get a feel for what I like more and go from there.  I hear they are a huge money saver in the end so it’s worth at least a consideration.  In addition to diapers, we went ahead and stocked up on wipes and diaper rash ointment.  Next on the list: baby monitors and a pack n play.  My insurance actually covers a breast pump so I am THRILLED about that! They told me to call 30 days before my due date and they will ship it to me.  You bet I have that marked on my calendar already. 

OH!  We went to our child birthing class!  Here are 5 things that we learned:

1.       I NEVER EVER want to watch a birthing video again… like EVER.  It was not pleasant and I have a weak stomach.  Sure, I have gone through it and will again but that doesn’t mean I want to watch it.  It’s like when the hospital offers “would you like a mirror?”  Ummm… NO!  No, I don’t.  Christian handled it better than I did but it wasn’t pleasant.  He has strict instructions to stay at the head of my bed for delivery.

2.       Our hospital is BIG on breastfeeding.  I LOVE that.  I have every intention on breastfeeding and know that it will sometimes be a struggle, but totally worth it.  Now Axel didn’t latch so I had to pump with him.  I am praying Aria is different because pumping all the time was not very fun to have to do.  Luckily, our hospital also has what’s called the “golden hour” after birth.  They put the baby on mom skin to skin right after birth for an hour or until the first feeding.  When that is done, babies typically do a “breast crawl”.  Pretty much, they find their way to the nipple and will feed.  It’s a super natural process that apparently makes breastfeeding more successful.

3.       There are only 3 people allowed in the delivery room.  Since my mom most likely won’t be able to make the birth, it looks like it will just be Christian and me and the entourage of nurses that will be helping.

4.       Apparently, it is expected for women to yell and be ugly and nasty to people while laboring.  I feel strongly about this one so get ready for a mini rant.  I was mad when the instructor was prepping the dad’s for all the horrid things they would probably hear and endure.  I get it ladies, you’re in pain and it’s hard… but why is it an expectation to turn into a gremlin?  Because of that many women use that as an excuse just to be that way during labor.  I may be a little grumpy but that in no way gives me the green light to yell at Christian and be rude to him.  It’s not his fault I am in pain. (ugh! Don’t even get me started on how I feel about women saying that during labor) It’s nature and if you think about it, doesn’t being angry and crazy lead to stress and anxiety and make the experience worse?  I told Christian I would be irritable so jokes may not be appreciated as much but that I would absolutely 100% try my hardest to be a normal person during that process.  I will just need a little extra love and tenderness to get me through a tough time.  If I happen to slip and get a little ruder than I would like, you better believe my husband will get a well-deserved apology for it after.

5.       We need to plan a little more.  What for? Timing… who will get called, updated, watch Axel.  See, when there are little ones already around it throws a little hiccup in things.  During our class we played a game where we rolled dice to see what time we went into labor.  We had to think… it’s __ o’clock and active labor has started… what do you do?  Well, who do we call for Axel?  What if he is in school?  Where will he stay and how will he get to school?  Do we even send him to school? Should we have a bag for Axel ready? Haha! I know… it just sparked many questions and scenarios that we need to think about.  Christian’s family lives about 45 mins from us so they are on the call list, but it’s time to officially ask some of those wonderful friends of ours to be on our list too.

We definitely learned good things in the class.  Breathing and relaxation techniques were fun.  CPR and lots of other useful things, but I just gave you the most memorable moments I had.  OH wait… the hospital also has amazing cookies.  That was a highlight I remember too.  We got them all day long and apparently they are delivered to the postpartum area every day at 3pm.  So, that’s yet another thing to look forward to! Bonus!

So, I had my 34 week appointment today and it looks like Aria is head down and ready to go.  My next one is on the 15^th for my 36 week appointment and then guess what?  The appointments are every week after that!  Woo Hoo!! It’s so close to her arrival day.  I am getting so excited to get to hold her and meet her!

We have a few things we are going to be doing over the last stretch. Most of which will keep me busy.  Aria is due right around Axel’s birthday so we have moved his party up a month to make sure he still gets his celebration. We don’t want his little sister stealing his thunder starting them off on the wrong foot on day 1.  We will be partying up Ninja Warrior style for his birthday in just a few weeks.  Once we have that party, it’s the final stretch.  We should have the room ready, items purchased and another class (on breastfeeding) checked off of our list.  My parents are most likely starting new jobs in the very near future so they won’t be able to be here to help as originally planned.  (Boo!) That being said, we are working on testing/eating many crock pot meals and testing out some freezer meal recipes.  If you have any good ones that you have tried and liked, please send them my way.  We will be prepping in any way we can for me to take it easy and focus on baby once she arrives.  Also, my lovely Utah, Michigan, Massachusetts, Puerto Rico family members… if you want to take a trip here in October… please do! But know you will be assigned a helper task upon arrival. J