The Ugly Truth

Alright, I haven’t posted in a while and I have to admit it has been intentional.  I actually typed this post a couple weeks ago, but I haven’t posted it out of fear. Why?  Because it was a little too raw and very personal.  I have been struggling… a lot over the past few weeks.  I have had more downs than ups and I just let it all out.  Today; however, was a good day so I am a little more confident in posting.  I have also added a couple of things to the breastfeeding section so it’s a little more up to date.  Here it is (it's really long):

Since Aria’s arrival, things were up and down for a bit.  Unfortunately, it’s still the same.  This specific post will be more about the challenges I have been facing and not the usual happy-go-lucky posts you are used to reading.  But that’s reality.  We are facing many challenges as new parents.  No one said that it would be a walk in the park.  If you are still willing to learn about the less glamorous parts of new-parenthood, be prepared for a super long venting session.

To be honest, I have been debating on whether or not to even write another post since I am not feeling much positivity right now.  But then I realized two things: 1. when other moms tell me about how they are having or have had similar struggles, it makes me feel a little more at ease that I am not a complete failure.  So I am going to throw my ugly truths out there too, just in case it helps make at least one person feel normal.  2. People keep asking how I am doing and I say “ok” because no one really wants to hear otherwise right?  Well, the truth of it is I am not sure that I am ok.  I am struggling more than I imagined I would and the obstacles just keep on coming.

Alright so let’s get this started.  Breastfeeding!  Ugh! Just the word makes me want to cry and scream.  It has not gotten any better despite meeting with a lactation consultant. Allow me to tell you the journey that I have been on since the beginning.  Aria was born with a tongue tie.  Yes… all you breastfeeding moms are gasping saying “that was the issue!” but just wait.  In the hospital, they did a frenectomy (a fancy way for saying they clipped the under part of her tongue to release the “tie”).  So the LC (lactation consultant) at the hospital told me this should solve any problems I have and got absolutely no other instructions.  (ß That part is super important).  No other instructions were given to me. 

A couple of days after getting home, I was already enduring a lot of pain with the feedings and I knew that if I was in pain, something wasn’t right.  I proactively wanted to see the LC from the hospital again to assess the problem ASAP so both me and baby weren’t creating bad habits.  When I went to the LC, she helped me latch her correctly, gave me a few pointers and sent me on my way.  The following week, I was crying at feedings and my nipples were cracked and bleeding.  I called the hospital LC again and schedule another appointment.  At this appointment, she asked me “so have you been doing the tongue exercises with her after the frenectomy was done?”  Ummm…what??  Then she says “what did the ENT say when you went in for the follow up?”  Again…what?!  What follow up?  What exercises?  Yup!  Remember the lack of instructions I got and didn’t know I needed?  Those were it!  I was supposed to follow up with an ENT and also be doing tongue exercises with Aria.  Great!  That was all supposed to happen within the first 2 weeks of her life and she was already at 2.5 weeks. 

So I called an ENT to set up an appointment.  While waiting for the appointment, I switched to pumping and bottle feeding with an occasional latch once a day.  I also called another LC.  She told me to wait to see ENT before her coming out just in case Aria’s tongue wasn’t clipped far back enough or needed to be re-done.   WHAT!? She might have to have that done again!?  OH NO!  I can’t handle that again.  I cried like a baby the first time.  With the anticipation of the procedure having to be done again, I called my friend, Christen to accompany me to the appointment.  She is probably one of the most level headed people I know and is also bold enough to knock some sense into me if I were to get too hysterical.  The ENT we went to was AMAZING!!  He specializes in tongue ties and allergies and sees both adults and children so if you are in my area and looking for someone, let me know.  The BEST part about his office is he has an LC there full time.  YES!!  The doctor took one finger and swiped it in Aria’s mouth and without hesitating said they didn’t clip the tongue far back enough and she also had a lip tie on her top lip.  They would have the LC come in after procedure was done (takes all of 2 mins) and have her feed immediately for comfort/feeding.  Once I heard the ties were still bad, I for some stupid reason thought to myself “Thank Goodness!!  They are going to clip these things and she will finally be able to latch on correctly and we can put all these feeding issues to rest and live happily ever after!”  I went home thinking this and mentally preparing for the cluster feeding the LC told me would happen.  She specifically said to breast feed and just let her get on the breast as often as she wanted as she would be sore and it would not only feed her but comfort her while healing.  I was completely fine with that.  I would do whatever it took to help my little girl through a tough time.  We would get through it together. 

Well… my happily ever after bubble was popped immediately at the first feeding.  She once again, wasn’t latched correctly despite me following all advice and instruction given at the appointment earlier.  I broke her latch and released WWIII.  She started screaming!  I tried re-latching her and she wouldn’t have it.  Literally… I tried and tried and tried and tried for 20 mins and she just screamed.  Then she finally closed her mouth, sucked and screamed.  That happened for another 15 minutes.  She no longer wanted my breast at all.  I was crying hysterically by this point shouting at poor Christian “She won’t take it!! I am trying to help her and she won’t take it!!  I don’t care if it hurts anymore, she needs the actual breast for comfort!”  She never did take it that night.  We bottle fed and I cried all night long feeling like the biggest failure in the world. 

A couple of days passed with me trying to latch and she still wouldn’t take it.  I called the doctor’s office and wanted to yell at them and say “IT’S YOUR FAULT!! YOU RUINED IT ALL AND NOW SHE WON’T BREAST FEED AT ALL!!” but instead I kindly asked for an appointment with their LC again.  Saw her a couple days later.  She gave me some meds that would help with Aria’s swelling and pain which magically made her also want my breast again.  The LC was awesome and found other issues that were causing the bad latching.  She latched like a dream while in the office though and my hopes were coming back.  Until once again, I got home and everything was ruined.  She took the breast again but the latch was still wrong, still SO painful, still SO damaging. 

THAT, my friends, was the ultimate breaking point for me.  Up until this point, I was sad and cried most of the days but this time…I cried, I screamed, I threw many things and collapsed on the floor sobbing for a looooong time.  Then got up, got in bed, and cried until I fell asleep.  Since then, I am just…sad.  I don’t feel like me anymore.  I am more angry, frustrated and unhappy than I probably have ever been in my life.  And this is supposed to be the happiest time in my life.  This wasn’t all just brought on by breastfeeding, there are other things I will talk about, but that night and that moment was a turning point for me and I just haven’t been able to quite get back from that yet. 

Since then I met with a the LC a couple more times. Things have gotten a smidge better.  I guess anything is better when you were at the very bottom though.  With that said, it’s still bad.  The main progress is sometimes I get lucky enough to get an ‘ok’ latch and I am more likely to break a bad latch.  I still can’t latch her multiple times a day though.  Maybe once or twice if she cooperates.  I have a follow up in a couple weeks. If things don’t work out after that, I am done.  Throwing in the towel and calling it quits.  I know people tell me I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but no matter what they say, I do.  I had a goal and desire to do this.  I have been giving it my all and still come up short. People keep telling me to go to support groups.  Look, unless they are going to latch my baby on for me every feeding, I am NOT interested in that right now.  I am interested in someone fixing the problem.  I cry when I try to get her to latch and she doesn’t do it right, so why does that sound like something fun to do in front of strangers? It doesn’t.  Sure, I can continue to pump and feed but let’s jump into the next pleasant issue I am dealing with….COLIC!

UGH! Colic!  As if the feeding wasn’t an issue enough.  I have a baby who is unhappy ALL. THE. TIME!  So when I try pumping, try getting the milk for her next feeding, she is screaming at me; and I want to scream with her.  Instead, I have to juggle holding a screaming child, while pumping and enduring the nipple pain that I still have while a machine is yanking away at it as if I were a cow.  So there is the answer to why I won’t pump and feed if I can’t latch her anymore: Colic.

Let’s talk about Colic for a minute.  What is it?  Yeah…that seems to be the magical question that no one knows.  Yeah.  There is literally a medical condition called colic and no one actually knows what it is, what it is caused by and how to treat it.  Seems like someone got a little lazy in the medical area to me.  How do you have a condition but nothing else?  And how are there bottles (that I bought like an idiot) and products that “help reduce colic” if no one knows what colic really is?  Everyone immediately treats colic as if it were gas.  WRONG!  Colic is not gas.  Gas is gas.  The only thing that doctors really know is the constant crying, (and yes…it is CONSTANT), causes the baby to become more gassy.  So then the vicious cycle begins.  Your baby starts crying because it’s colicky, the crying gives the baby gas, and the gas also causes pain which makes the baby cry more, causing more gas.  So all of the people that say to use gas medicine are only helping for the inhaling of air during the crying part of it, but do you know how get the crying to stop for the colic?  I do!  You wait 4 months until it finally stops.  Essentially my child is possibly in pain or has some type of discomfort and I can literally do nothing about it until it magically stops on its own.  And in the meantime I have to somehow put up with a baby who cries about 95% of the time she is awake.  I am the lucky winner of a colicky baby. Yuck!

So the feeding and colic are bad but do you know what I feel most bad about? After years of wanting a baby and praying and trying, I was blessed with a beautiful little girl.  I should be so happy and take any pain, sleep deprivation, and tears with such gratitude and all I do is cry and complain about it.  I feel like an ungrateful brat!  The pregnancy was great.  Anytime I had pain or had to hang my head over a toilet, I was happy with it.  It meant that I was pregnant and my baby was doing well.  Why can’t I feel that way now?  Why is it so hard for me to enjoy my little girl?  Is it the lack of sleep?  Am I suffering from something bigger?  Don’t get me wrong, I love her SO much.  When she is sleeping, I take advantage of those snuggles and love on her.  The 5% of the time she is awake and not crying, I am in full on new mom bliss.  But when it comes time to feed, pump or have her screaming for an hour straight without stopping, I want to run away and never come back.  That makes me feel like the worst mom ever!   The more research I have done on these things, the more I realize that I am not alone in this struggle though.

After all this negativity and all this ranting, you would probably think “Geez!  Does she even like that baby?”  Yes, I do.  I love her! And you know what keeps me going?  A few things.  When she snuggles into me and sleeps so deep and so good while on me because she feels safe and warm and loved.  I feel success because I am able to give that safety to her. It’s a peaceful time that gives me a boost to make it through the next feeding or next crying episode.  Lately, when I talk to her sometimes she smiles at me reminding me that she does love me.  It melts my heart and I forgot everything I just complained about (for a while at least).  When I see Axel and know that I did something right and I made it through this phase before, it lets me know I can and will do it again.  It’s a struggle to have a newborn around.  I am facing trial after trial and it will get better, and it will also get worse.  Actually, it will probably get way worse before it gets any better.  But at the end of the day, I believe I was given this little angel at this time for a reason.  I lean a lot on faith and prayer to get me through it all and I know that I can get through it all.  It is just so easy to forget all of that in the moment and sometimes we just need a good venting session about our problems and then we can finally let them go and start figuring out ways to get through them.

Alright, now that I have let it all out, the posts going forward should be much better.  I will be giving Aria updates on the next one as well as post pictures of the nursery that I just realized I never actually got around to.  I love you all and appreciate all those who have helped me in some way over the past month.  And I definitely appreciate those who have checked in on me. 

Update:  Like I said, today (Nov 12^th) was a good day.  Chalk it up to the 5 hours of sleep I got last night thanks to my amazing husband.  She cried, she had poor latches, but I didn’t cry once.  I was ready for it and I embraced it!  I actually laughed a lot of the time.  While she cried and I rocked her, instead of focusing on the screams, I focused on the funny faces she makes while crying.  When she fell asleep on me, despite the fact that it was 2pm and I hadn’t eaten, that my bladder was about to explode and I couldn’t feel my left arm, I listened to her cute sighs and breaths and loved those sleepy smiles.  While she was awake, I made it my mission to try to get her to smile for me again.  I didn’t get one until the very end of the day but it was awesome!  And I will make that a goal every day.  Despite my comment in my rant about me being a lucky winner of a colicky baby, I actually am lucky. I have a healthy, beautiful, perfect little girl that happens to be struggling with coming into this world.  It was a shock to her to be taken out of her happy place inside me.  She too is having trials already and when I think about it that way, I feel empowered.  This is my job, this is my duty as a mom to help her through this… and I will.